I don't believe in regrets. I think that every single thing in your life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, leads you to the place you are now and I think that to regret something is to regret what you have or who you are now. I am happy with the life I have now. Granted there are somethings I wish I had, i.e. money, my degree but all in all I am happy with my life and I am happy with the person that I have turned out to be. That being said I came to realize the other day that I do have one regret. It hit me like a ton of bricks and it has been tearing at me that I have this regret because there is nothing I can do about it.
A few weeks ago I was looking through some pictures on myspace that a friend has posted of our good old days at General Cinema. It was my first job when I was 16 and I had a blast! There were about 1 girl to every 4 guys so most of the friends that I made working there were guys. One of the guys was Tad, he was one of the managers and I had a massive crush on him! He and I flirted a lot when we worked together but nothing ever happened because he was my boss, he had a girlfriend and he was 20 or 21 and I was 16 or 17 ( I worked there for 2 years) but we became pretty good friends. He left General Cinema not too long before I did and ended up moving to New York for about a year. Around the same time that he left for New York I started dating Fernando, who I ended up dating for two years. Fernando was a very jealous guy. He did not like me talking to guys, especially guys that I had dated or ever been remotely attracted too. Fernando was a large deciding factor in me leaving the job at General Cinmea. The summer before my freshman year of college Tad moved back from New York and I ran into him just a few days after he got back. He and I talked a little but I was on my way somewhere so I gave him my phone number and he said he would call me. The very next day he did call me but I missed the call and he left a voice mail. I still remember what he said in the voice mail, he really like seeing me again and would like to get some coffee so we can catch up and he left his phone number. Fernando was standing right there when I checked my voice mail so I immediately deleted it because having a guy I used to have a crush on call me would have set him off. I never ended up getting together with Tad or even talking to him.
About two years ago I got an e-mail from some of my old General Cinema buddies because they were planning a memorial service for Tad. Apparently he had died suddenly the previous year from a brain aneurysm and I had no idea. Up until that point I though I would one day randomly run into Tad again and we could have that cup of coffee. I am fortunate to be married to a great man who is not even a little bit jealous and is confident in our relationship so a cup of coffee with an old friend would not have resulted in the world coming to an end. I regret that I won't ever get to talk to Tad again and I regret that I blew him off and I regret that I will never have a chance to say I am sorry and I regret that I let some stupid boyfriends jealousy make my decisions for me. I am sorry Tad. I'm sorry.
That's alot of regrets for someone that does not believe in regrets.
There is no such emotion as jealousy. It is a culmination of insecurity and anger. I've no respect for someone who allows their own egotistical insecurities to dictate their behavior. Have I been jealous? Up until recently, no, actually not really. But recently, yeah, I have felt that sting a bit here and there. But I think jealousy is natural. It's ok to wonder what someone else has that you don't. It's ok to feel angry because you're afraid you're not enough. What's not OK is to let such feelings become a rationalization to become controling. To put this another way, why would you want to be with a partner you dont trust? At the point you become afraid to do things you want to do within reason because the other person is insecure and cant manage their behavior, it's time to reevaluate what youre in it for in the first place...
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm not preaching, just contributing my thoughts on jealousy. As far as Tad goes, I am truely sorry for the loss and the missed opportunity. The only good thing to come from the story is Tad's youth reminds us all to treasure those things in our life that are most important to us because no one is guarenteed forever...I think thats what Tad would want you to remember...don't regret that you didn't get together for coffee...just remember to keep whats important close to you.
I completely disagree with you on regrets, some regrets are very healthy to have. There is nothing wrong with thinking, Man, I wish i had done that differently.
ReplyDeleteAs far as jealous, babe anytime you want to have coffee with anyone, for any reason, feel free to! I am not a jealous guy!
I like you Adam. I really like you.
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